Who knew that I would end up being the worst thing for you.
I'm playful in a time where we need to be serious.
I'm moody when there's nothing wrong.
I'm needy when you need your space.
I'm distant when I'm spending time with you.
I say the wrong things at the wrong time.
I do things that I don't even think twice about before doing.
I'm stressful, I'm too hard to handle, I ask for too much, I give too little.
I question "us" almost every other day.
The other days I just want to shower you in love and affection.
I confuse myself, so I can't even begin to imagine the shitstorm I've created in your brain.
All I know is..
I'm a wreak both with and without you.
Mother.
You're not my role model, actually, I've always told myself I don't want to grow up to be like you.
Yet as more time goes by, I can see myself becoming you.
We both expect too much from ourselves, usually ending in self destruction.
But, no, we won't let anyone help. We're too strong and hard headed for that.
We pile so much on that we barely know what to do with ourselves.
The difference between me and you is that I break down, into a pile of broken pieces.
You may as well break down, but you never let anyone see.
I've only seen you cry a few times in my 18 years of knowing you, and each for about 5 minutes and then you compose yourself to your normal state.
We both can't handle being hurt, even when its not something harsh that's said to us, just the truth.
We can't face the truth, it's too painful. For both of us.
We shut down when someone gets too close, when someone hits too close to home with something they say.
We turn cold hearted and downright inhuman.
We say and do things that are fucked up, but that's just how we are, right?
I've never wanted to be like you, but I am you.
I'm just waiting to see if my fate will be the same as yours;
Alone at age 56, no husband, no family, only yourself.
Hiding your emotions away and living in this little bubble that you've created.
Not letting the outside in, because that's not that world you want to live in.
Sheltered and alone.
FIN.
This is what I need right now.
I need the beach. Cold and damp from the Fall weather. I need a bottle of wine to drown my feelings with. I need my voice so I can scream away all the confusion I'm feeling.
That's what I need, plain and simple.
That's what I need, plain and simple.
Jealousy Is An Ugly Trait.
But it's my mark to bare.
It seems as if I can't help it. My senses are telling me I have nothing to worry about and that I'm being irrational, but my teenage girl thoughts and hormones are telling me that something is either going on or on the brink of going on.
When I love, I love hard. Jealousy is just part of that package, I'm not good with handling myself while Im feeling that way because I never had a reason to be before. The only other times I've felt this way, I've been right. Tre broke up with me for Lindsey, Ryan for Annestasia. Sure, it's just a friendship, theyre not doing anything wrong, he can hang out with girls and I can hang out with guys.
I don't trust you. I don't trust anything. I don't trust mankind.
It seems as if I can't help it. My senses are telling me I have nothing to worry about and that I'm being irrational, but my teenage girl thoughts and hormones are telling me that something is either going on or on the brink of going on.
When I love, I love hard. Jealousy is just part of that package, I'm not good with handling myself while Im feeling that way because I never had a reason to be before. The only other times I've felt this way, I've been right. Tre broke up with me for Lindsey, Ryan for Annestasia. Sure, it's just a friendship, theyre not doing anything wrong, he can hang out with girls and I can hang out with guys.
I don't trust you. I don't trust anything. I don't trust mankind.
...
I don't want to have to ask for you to want me around. I was more than willing to sneak out ans get a ride to your house, but you didn't even give it a thought.
I miss the times that you were willing do go out of your way to be with me. You'd come over to my house at 3 in the morning just because I was having a bad trip on ambien. You'd call anyone to see if they could come get me at midnight because I was having family issues. Now you won't even stay on the phone with me when I'm too scared to go to sleep. You won't spend the night anymore.
What happened to two sleepovers a week not being enough for us that'd we'd sneak around to just be with eachother.
It kills me and you have no clue.
I'd tell you but all it would do is make you worry about our relationship every time we can't have a sleepover or hang out. It'll make you think I'll be upset. There's no point in telling you, I don't want to have to ask for you to want to be around me.
I miss the times that you were willing do go out of your way to be with me. You'd come over to my house at 3 in the morning just because I was having a bad trip on ambien. You'd call anyone to see if they could come get me at midnight because I was having family issues. Now you won't even stay on the phone with me when I'm too scared to go to sleep. You won't spend the night anymore.
What happened to two sleepovers a week not being enough for us that'd we'd sneak around to just be with eachother.
It kills me and you have no clue.
I'd tell you but all it would do is make you worry about our relationship every time we can't have a sleepover or hang out. It'll make you think I'll be upset. There's no point in telling you, I don't want to have to ask for you to want to be around me.
Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind.
You don't need to respond to this. I just need to say this to ease my mind:
I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you felt. Sometimes I don't know the power of my words and I use them incorrectly. I'm sorry I'm clingy and I felt the way I felt, mainly because when I noticed something was off it was that you weren't paying the same amount of attention to me that you normally would. I'm not asking for more attention, you treat me perfectly and I couldn't ask for anyone better than you. I overreacted and made things sounds worse then they actually were. I love you, my love for you has never stopped, just kept growing. I've never felt like I was losing you or that we were coming close to our "end". I felt like something was off, which I understand now, but I let it get to my head and that's when I made things worse. I never want to hurt you, you've been hurt before and I never wanted to be the person that would do that to you again. I care deeply for you and your wellbeing, you're happiness means the world to me. I can't even express what an important role you play in my life, I can't see us ending soon and I don't plan on it. If any bump in the relationship comes our way, which they will, I want to work through them like we always have(minus how I acted last time). I'm glad we can talk things out and go back to normal, that's what relationships are all about; working together. I don't want to lose you, and I don't feel as if I am, so basically I'm just letting you know this so I can get if off my chest and be content just knowing that I've said this to you. I love you so much, and I couldn't be happier that you chose to be with me<3
I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my peace of mind.
I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you felt. Sometimes I don't know the power of my words and I use them incorrectly. I'm sorry I'm clingy and I felt the way I felt, mainly because when I noticed something was off it was that you weren't paying the same amount of attention to me that you normally would. I'm not asking for more attention, you treat me perfectly and I couldn't ask for anyone better than you. I overreacted and made things sounds worse then they actually were. I love you, my love for you has never stopped, just kept growing. I've never felt like I was losing you or that we were coming close to our "end". I felt like something was off, which I understand now, but I let it get to my head and that's when I made things worse. I never want to hurt you, you've been hurt before and I never wanted to be the person that would do that to you again. I care deeply for you and your wellbeing, you're happiness means the world to me. I can't even express what an important role you play in my life, I can't see us ending soon and I don't plan on it. If any bump in the relationship comes our way, which they will, I want to work through them like we always have(minus how I acted last time). I'm glad we can talk things out and go back to normal, that's what relationships are all about; working together. I don't want to lose you, and I don't feel as if I am, so basically I'm just letting you know this so I can get if off my chest and be content just knowing that I've said this to you. I love you so much, and I couldn't be happier that you chose to be with me<3
I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my peace of mind.
Tick Tock Goes the Dynamite.
"Why don't we get out the ruler and start dividing everything up now?"
I'm losing hope that there will ever be peace among us again, not that there was much to begin with. Everything is a battle now, no conversation can be had without bringing up old or new drama. All of our lives are revolving around this Degrassi episode. I've never felt so much resentment in this household(s) as I do now. I feel more out of place and uncomfortable with my family theb I ever have before. It's unbearable to think about, better to keep yourself busy and forget what's all going on around you. A family is supposed to be a unit that sticks by eachothers sides till the end. I don't even get what you're trying to salvage, there's nothing fucking left anymore.
I'm losing hope that there will ever be peace among us again, not that there was much to begin with. Everything is a battle now, no conversation can be had without bringing up old or new drama. All of our lives are revolving around this Degrassi episode. I've never felt so much resentment in this household(s) as I do now. I feel more out of place and uncomfortable with my family theb I ever have before. It's unbearable to think about, better to keep yourself busy and forget what's all going on around you. A family is supposed to be a unit that sticks by eachothers sides till the end. I don't even get what you're trying to salvage, there's nothing fucking left anymore.
Father, where art thou?
Lost in your own world, not letting anyone in, not letting anyone go. Right now youre watching videos of your eldest daughters wedding, alone, and stoned. Is that all you have left to hold onto? Most likely the happiest day of your life. Two days later you would find out that your wife left you. Your world is shattered, I'm not sure what to do, as do you. We're both lost and can't seem to find eachother.
This house is not a home.
Correction: THESE houses are not home.
Home is supposed to be a place you feel safe. A place where you always return, and look to returning to. A place to lie your head. This is not that type of place.
I try to keep busy, dreading when the time comes when I do have to return. I use other homes as my own, feeling more welcome and at ease at.
I don't feel safe here. I don't feel comfortable here. I don't feel welcome here. I don't want to be here.
Home is supposed to be a place you feel safe. A place where you always return, and look to returning to. A place to lie your head. This is not that type of place.
I try to keep busy, dreading when the time comes when I do have to return. I use other homes as my own, feeling more welcome and at ease at.
I don't feel safe here. I don't feel comfortable here. I don't feel welcome here. I don't want to be here.
Burning away.
It's strange how everything has an opposite effect. The thing that brings you the most joy can also be the thing the most pain. The person who built you up strong can also be the person to tear you down. Love turns to hate.
The ocean is one of the most amazing creations, beautiful yet powerful and able to destruct anything in its path. Memories are the most destructing though, with the ability to raise your spirits and get you through the day, or break you down until there's nothing left to salvage.
But those close to you are what can save your life or end it in a heartbeat. I know, I have nothing left.
The ocean is one of the most amazing creations, beautiful yet powerful and able to destruct anything in its path. Memories are the most destructing though, with the ability to raise your spirits and get you through the day, or break you down until there's nothing left to salvage.
But those close to you are what can save your life or end it in a heartbeat. I know, I have nothing left.
The pot of emotions is once again stirred.
Old feelings resurface, they're unwanted and/or unneeded. I know it'll never happen, I'm not even positive I would let it happen if the oppurtunity came around. I thought I burried my feelings for you long ago, so I don't understand how they can be coming back right now. Floods of memories from the good times. You still know me, you got me that William Control poster when I didn't even think you remembered. Even if this is an innocent act of kindness exchanged between two friends, it means a lot to me. Not many people have gotten to know me like you did, and I stopped letting people in right after you. It's hard, you were my first true love(from the eyes of a teenage girl) and that will never change. Fuck.
Oh lord.
How everything has changed so fast. I now have two homes, more freedom then I can handle, a new found depression, and a boy I can honestly say I love. I guess these past weeks have had their ups and downs.
+ Can have sleepovers with Gabe either at his house or mine.
- Maybe spending a little too much time together, fights are getting worse and over stupider things.
+ Have two houses, one right on the beach and both that I can smoke at.
- Have to keep moving all my stuff around, Mom won't drive to dads house and Dad just doesn't leave his.
With all these positive things, there's always a negative side. I still feel stuck in the middle of my parents, being forced to chose a side. So when I do decide to live with my mom part time, I'm the bad guy because everyone else was already on Dad's side. They tell me that they'll support any decision I make, but try to sway me to their side. It's rediculous, our family is at war with one another and there isn't going to be a winner. It's a bloody battle that everyone loses.
+ Can have sleepovers with Gabe either at his house or mine.
- Maybe spending a little too much time together, fights are getting worse and over stupider things.
+ Have two houses, one right on the beach and both that I can smoke at.
- Have to keep moving all my stuff around, Mom won't drive to dads house and Dad just doesn't leave his.
With all these positive things, there's always a negative side. I still feel stuck in the middle of my parents, being forced to chose a side. So when I do decide to live with my mom part time, I'm the bad guy because everyone else was already on Dad's side. They tell me that they'll support any decision I make, but try to sway me to their side. It's rediculous, our family is at war with one another and there isn't going to be a winner. It's a bloody battle that everyone loses.
Wishful Thinking.
One day I hope that my love will be enough for you. That's all I want, I want you to know how much I care for you and never second guess it. I wish you could just forget about her, never bring her up, or think about the past. I wish I could erase your past only because I feel it affects our future. I know she comes in the way still, you may not still love her but what you went through is making you hold back with me. I just wish we were on the same level. I've left my past behind because all thats important to me is my future, and youre my future. I love you, I'm giving you all my love, please don't break my heart and show that my insecurities weren't me just being paranoid.
I don't hate you but I still want to save you when there's something left to save.
You continue to scare me and yet draw me closer to you. I'm still holding back, thinking "maybe this is too good to be true". I'm not handing over my heart but youre slowly stealing it away from me. I've thought about it for a couple days before you said it so I don't know why it scared me so much. Maybe it was the realization that this could be the real deal, and I don't know how to handle that. Maybe it was the fact that you were on drugs, not meaning what you said yet still getting my hopes up. I'm so torn in half over this. When I think about it, half of me wants to cry and just start to distance myself from you. But my other half just wants to hold you as tightly as possible, telling you that I love you too. It's crossed my mind a few times before, I've never said my thoughts aloud in fear that maybe I don't know what love is and I want to wait until I feel certain. But whenever your head is rested apon my chest, I just squeeze you, never wanting to let go, just always wanting you to be in my arms where I can keep you safe from ever getting hurt. When youre sleeping beside me, I look at you and realize that you're the first person in a very long time that I have ever cared more for than myself. Your wellbeing and happiness is what keeps me trying so hard, it would break me if I ever saw you sad or upset. I don't know if thats what love is, and if it's not then how the hell do we get out of here?
You terrify me pt.2
You honeslty are my worst fear yet also my fantasy. i've learned three golden rules from my 17 years of living; never give someone youre heart, trust no one, and always keep youre guard up. The more I get to know you, the more I feel myself breaking my own rules. I'm slowly losing my tight grip on my heart and I can feel it slipping away, my guard has been lowering since the day I met you, but my trust is still something I can't give. I fear you but I crave you, but mainly I can't trust you. No matter how many times you tell me how youre over youre ex and how much you resent her for what she did to you, I can't fully believe you. You've brought her up at some point ever time I'm with you, you still have pictures saved of her, and you still talk to her. I'm not the jealous type and I'm not trying to come off that way. I understand that any relationship that lasts over a year is going to strongly bond two individuals but I'm not about to give you my everything if you're still hung up on another girl. I like you so much that it scares me, I'm not about to get hurt yet again. I gave up on relationships before I met you, your what changed that. Please don't let me down.. Because I'm finally letting someone in, and I pray that you're worth it.
You
Terrify me. Basically youre what has made every day bearable and I've only known you a month. That's what scares me, I can't be dependent on someone I hardly know. It's strange, I trust you more than people I have known for years. I have issues and I am self conscious but whenever you're around that seems to disapeer. I'm scared shitless of me falling hard for you, which I believe is already happening. Like you said before, you don't fuck up a lot so its hard for you to understand why others so. Im one of those people, I fuck up everything and anything. I just know that you might be able to handle me now but you won't later on. Sorry.
Dearth.
Fight or flight; the natural reaction for all humans in any given situation. So why is it that I only seem to choose "flight"?
Afganistan.
You were with me last night, I know you were. I'm sorry I upset you with my comment, and I wish I never woke up so I could have continued to stay with you. When you held my hand, it was like I wa the only thing keeping you here, with me, and if I let go you would just disapear. I love you and ever day I wish more and more that you were back home, where you belong. Please come home to me, safe and sound, unchanged and happy.
"you weren't there Marina, you don't know. It was like if I answered the phone, I knew I was going todie."
"you weren't there Marina, you don't know. It was like if I answered the phone, I knew I was going todie."
Cocaine.
I have finally reached insanity. My mind races nonstop yet I'm always in such a daze. Its not the drugs, but I do blame the medication. My depressed feelings I had before are still there, just in hiding, waiting for their chance to pop back out again. I still have the desire to die, self mutilate, and partake in various dangerous activities, but I dont because I just cant even muster up the energy to do so. My emotions are trapped inside this shell, I want to let them out so people can at leave view and understand my pain, but this shell is made of steel. Pysciatrist prescribed steel.
Far Beyond Flowers and Dust.
Love; the feeling that I've lost control.
Let me walk away from this all. Everything; you, what happened, and whats next to come. Let me pierce my eyes and sew my mouth. I need to get out from under this weight that rests on my shoulders and feeling of misery etched into my mind. These pills make me want to peel off my skin and break loose from this human shell I'm trapped within. Razors could never cut deep enough to cut out all the sin I've been collecting for years, might as well keep trying. Cigarette ashes fill my lungs until I can hardly breath. Am I satisfied yet?
Let me walk away from this all. Everything; you, what happened, and whats next to come. Let me pierce my eyes and sew my mouth. I need to get out from under this weight that rests on my shoulders and feeling of misery etched into my mind. These pills make me want to peel off my skin and break loose from this human shell I'm trapped within. Razors could never cut deep enough to cut out all the sin I've been collecting for years, might as well keep trying. Cigarette ashes fill my lungs until I can hardly breath. Am I satisfied yet?
K dubz
Why are you at home right now?
indians don't have homes, we have curry
Do people ever think you' re older / younger than you actually are?
i think i look older than i really do but that's just because i am stupid and ugly and everyone else refuses to look at me because of how ugly i am k
Agree or disagree: It's easier to be negative than positive?
IT'S EASIER TO BE BEDAZZLE
What did you last spend under five dollars on?
shaving cream for my face
Ever go camping?
yeah in arizona one time because i love arizona
Have you smoked a cigarette today?
yes so i can sit pergs looking like the hipster i want to be and so big v will like me
Do you like to wear flip-flops?
only when i'm taking photobooth pictures of myself in a swimsuit
Do you plan on moving within the next year?
TO ARIZONA
If someone went through your pictures, would they find a "bad" one?
most of my pictures are considered illegal, because i am so gross
Do you like voicemails?
from big v and big v only
Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger?
yes
How do you feel about smoking?
ITS GREAT BECAUSE HIPSTERS SMOKE
Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
ryan farley may do with my heart wht pleases(this includes lewd sexual acts)
How many texts are in your inbox?
the only person who texts me is myseld and my mom
California or Arizona?
arizona but then again i afded this question in
Do you wish anyone in particular was still in your life?
i wish i had ryam farkey in my room
This year have you ever been heartbroken?
VIG B
Why did you fall in love with the last person that you did?
because he let me bedaZzle his private parts
Do you think you'll have a Valentine this year?
I LIKE DAVID BOWIE BECAUSE VINNIE LIKES DAVID BOWIE
Are you one of those people who are always cold?
my feet are indian
Have you ever been drunk dialed?
oh no my friendz don't yick
Have you ever drunk dialed?
What are you listening to?
taco bell
Last person to text you? What did they say?
can't remember my mom prolly
What are you wearing?
Nothing but Curry
How many more days until your birthday?
how many days til april 21?
Where are your biological parents?
they werevput to sleep for rabies infection
Do you miss any old friends?
eh
Do you tend to waste a lot of money?
nah
Who was the first person to text you today?
don't remember
Last time you talked to your bestfriend?
todaaaay
What did you last drink ?
WATER and curry
You hate someone don't you?
EVERYONE but big v and ryan farley
What did you last eat?
fecal matter that i found under my bed
What was the best concert you have been to?
Nevershoutvnever
Who was the last person you were with [besides family]?
Me indian family
Where do you get all your clothes?
Various trash bins on the east side
Do you have a YouTube account?
noooope
Who is the last person to call you?
pops
Who is your bestfriend?
silky my dick
Do you ever say the word fuck?
When it applies to ryan or vinie
What were you doing at midnight last night?
stuff. uh.. i think i wwwaaass smoking
indians don't have homes, we have curry
Do people ever think you' re older / younger than you actually are?
i think i look older than i really do but that's just because i am stupid and ugly and everyone else refuses to look at me because of how ugly i am k
Agree or disagree: It's easier to be negative than positive?
IT'S EASIER TO BE BEDAZZLE
What did you last spend under five dollars on?
shaving cream for my face
Ever go camping?
yeah in arizona one time because i love arizona
Have you smoked a cigarette today?
yes so i can sit pergs looking like the hipster i want to be and so big v will like me
Do you like to wear flip-flops?
only when i'm taking photobooth pictures of myself in a swimsuit
Do you plan on moving within the next year?
TO ARIZONA
If someone went through your pictures, would they find a "bad" one?
most of my pictures are considered illegal, because i am so gross
Do you like voicemails?
from big v and big v only
Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger?
yes
How do you feel about smoking?
ITS GREAT BECAUSE HIPSTERS SMOKE
Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
ryan farley may do with my heart wht pleases(this includes lewd sexual acts)
How many texts are in your inbox?
the only person who texts me is myseld and my mom
California or Arizona?
arizona but then again i afded this question in
Do you wish anyone in particular was still in your life?
i wish i had ryam farkey in my room
This year have you ever been heartbroken?
VIG B
Why did you fall in love with the last person that you did?
because he let me bedaZzle his private parts
Do you think you'll have a Valentine this year?
I LIKE DAVID BOWIE BECAUSE VINNIE LIKES DAVID BOWIE
Are you one of those people who are always cold?
my feet are indian
Have you ever been drunk dialed?
oh no my friendz don't yick
Have you ever drunk dialed?
What are you listening to?
taco bell
Last person to text you? What did they say?
can't remember my mom prolly
What are you wearing?
Nothing but Curry
How many more days until your birthday?
how many days til april 21?
Where are your biological parents?
they werevput to sleep for rabies infection
Do you miss any old friends?
eh
Do you tend to waste a lot of money?
nah
Who was the first person to text you today?
don't remember
Last time you talked to your bestfriend?
todaaaay
What did you last drink ?
WATER and curry
You hate someone don't you?
EVERYONE but big v and ryan farley
What did you last eat?
fecal matter that i found under my bed
What was the best concert you have been to?
Nevershoutvnever
Who was the last person you were with [besides family]?
Me indian family
Where do you get all your clothes?
Various trash bins on the east side
Do you have a YouTube account?
noooope
Who is the last person to call you?
pops
Who is your bestfriend?
silky my dick
Do you ever say the word fuck?
When it applies to ryan or vinie
What were you doing at midnight last night?
stuff. uh.. i think i wwwaaass smoking
You.
Yes, you. I want you off my mind, youre overtaking my thoughts. It just sucks because Im so caught between wanting to be with you and not wanting you in any part of my life anymore and just wanting to be good friends again. I miss you almost every day, mainly because something every day reminds me of you. Even if its a song we listened to together or even this fucking headphones you gave me. Today was just hard because I had to see you, you may be over all that went down but Im not even close. Im sorry Im making things awkward when we see eachother in public but I cant make myself just magically heal. We never really were that close(in my opinion) but we went through a lot. You met me at my worse and thats when we first got together, and that means the world to me. Im sorry things turned out this way and I know its all my fault. I just wish you were still here because so much shits going on, I just wish I could still lean on you for support.
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