FML

Agh! So fucking over so many things. I really just want to leave. I want to drop all thats going on in my life, I just want to take a break and walk away just for a bit. I don't want to have to deal with the whole Winter Formal plans anymore, too many people are counting on me for too much. I hate making plans just because whenever I have them I usually have to bail. I want to bail on Brandon for a bit too. We see eachother close to every day now, and alot of that is my choice. And I know im choosing for things to be this way. But the more and more Im with him I wish I could just walk away. I want something new, some one new. I think Im getting over him but he's still waiting for us to be official again. And I cant say anything that will make him think otherwise or else he gets all... like he is. I want him in my life, just in another way than he is now. But with him its either, we're together as a couple and best friends, or he will never talk to me again. I've been thinking about this for days now. I dont love him but I cant say that to him. I have to be as much of a girlfriend as I can be to him or else he goes all @^%# on me. Im still scared of being alone though. I know I sound like a bitch probably, just like Im keeping him around just because I dont want to be alone. I mean he's a perfect best friend and I still have an attraction to him but I really just feel like things would be better off with someone else. I mean it started out so perfect but then all the drama with my parents happened and I know they dont want us together, and I know they're all just being nice to him and stuff because he's with me. But he confuses this with "wow they really like me :]]] awuh so perfect! Now we can be together forever!!" Sometimes he's just way too clingy for me. I mean sometimes I like to be too, but not all the time. But I really cant deal with not telling him certain things just because I know the way he'll react will be bad. Not to mention the guilt after and how he talks to everyone, so I've be harassed by everyone! I just feel like I shouldnt be stuck in this relationship because of fear of hurting him. I love him, I do. Im just not "in love" with him. Maybe over time i'll work up the courage to tell him all this. But until then... fml.

Winter Formal

Its coming up so soon and I cant decided even if im going to go to it or not. Brandon really wants to go, and so does Celeste and Im taking both of them. Bu 3upfront is having a show that night and both me and Brandon were invited to the before party at Josh's house and the after party at Ron's house, where we're allowed to spend the night. I dont even dance or anything so the 3upfront is sounding alot more appealing than Winter Formal. But we've all been planning to go to winter formal for dayss now. I dunno, I think Im just going to try to go to the show. There's a winter formal every year, so its chill. Im just not sure how Im going to break it to Celeste or Brandon. I think Celeste will be more #%^$ about it than him just cuz Brandon will still be spending the night with me that night, oh shit I was supposed to have a sleepover with Celeste that night too. Agh I hate canceling plans on people last minute but I guess we'll just see how this goes. Fingers Crossed.