!@#$%

Sometimes everything is just fine then one thing can just make me into such a pissy bitch. I mean FUCKKKK! So pissed and nothing really happened. My mom just calls and says we need to talk about some thing, I question her on it and she just says Im going back to my same old routines. I mean fucking A, its our first day after Winter Break! and I've been doing everything Im supposed to, so just aghhh.

I dunno.. Really, I think Im just scared to get caught smoking grits again. AGH I dunno. 4 more days and I'll be okay to test again and come out clean. Prolly less than that but I just want to be safe. So no more smoking till Spring Break and Im fine with that. I quit once before I can do it again. Fuck, she just walked in. ahhh God I just want to go out and not come home. But everyone fucking does that, and I know I would get sent away fersure if I did that. And I dont want that. I dont want less freedom then I have now. Even getting caught for smoking again would kill me. Like really kill me. I dunno if I could deal with my mom anymore after that. Having no connection to the outside world is way too hard. I think when I was grounded was when I started drinking more than I ever had before, and cutting whenever I got upset. I would cry so much my eyes would be swollen and sore the next day. I just know I cant go back to that. I really really cant, like I said, it would kill me.

And now I can hear her from the other fucking room. Saying that ever since she's been hearing those murder stories on the news or some shit she's been thinking about what she's doing with her life. And she wants us to have family reading time or something, and not let me go on my computer or phone alot(there will be certain hours for that). I just hate how I have no freedom as a teenager. I mean Im already not aloud to do alot of the things other teens can do, but dont take away my other privledges that other kids are just given automatically. She always talks like she wants to do better for our family, make us better and stonger. But she's the one thats never home, who never spends time with us, whatever fuck it. Im done Im over with it.

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Kinda Scared

To let him go. Im really the only thing thats stable and safe in his life. Like yesterday I told him I wanted to go downtown but he couldnt cuz he didnt have enough for a bus. And he got all upset and moody about it, like he usually does, and told me I was his only plans for the entire day. Im the only thing! I look at his calendar on myspace and Im the only events on there. I cant leave him, not to sound vain but he kinda needs me. Fuck I got myself into a situation that I need help getting out of.