I get this way. I
I get this way. I put my guard down and let someone in. Then i dont want to be alone, ever. I crave that person/ attention. I want him here.
Everything's Bullshit.
This whole situation is bullshit.
He was what kept me sane and sober while Im grounded. Now he's not there.. I held onto him. He was like my glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay. He kept me happy even though everything else was shit. Now everthings just shit, bullshit, actually.
He was what kept me sane and sober while Im grounded. Now he's not there.. I held onto him. He was like my glimmer of hope that things are going to be okay. He kept me happy even though everything else was shit. Now everthings just shit, bullshit, actually.
I hate being alone... My
I hate being alone... My mind races and i become paranoid, suicidel, and upset. Fml someone save me. I need a fucking grit before i cry.
I really don't know why
I do the things I do.
I'll lurk you and talk to you even though I know Im just going to end up getting upset.
I've given up on any thoughts of us being chill in the future. You have a new girl in your life and yet we still can not be friends. It makes me wonder how things would be if me and Bobby ended things... would you be my friend or would I get the same treatement? Bobbys important to me and I wouldnt want to lose him and for things to still be shitty between us. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say. I dont even know why Im typing this all out. I think I might be bi polar. Im so happy one minute, then I get to thinking and Im like how I am now, my mind's fucked.
Maybe I should call... im not sure yet.
I'll lurk you and talk to you even though I know Im just going to end up getting upset.
I've given up on any thoughts of us being chill in the future. You have a new girl in your life and yet we still can not be friends. It makes me wonder how things would be if me and Bobby ended things... would you be my friend or would I get the same treatement? Bobbys important to me and I wouldnt want to lose him and for things to still be shitty between us. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say. I dont even know why Im typing this all out. I think I might be bi polar. Im so happy one minute, then I get to thinking and Im like how I am now, my mind's fucked.
Maybe I should call... im not sure yet.
Collective Thoughts
I am a train wreak. My life is a lie. Im not real.
LOVE HATE
Grits Drug tests
Rolling Coming down
Josh/Bobby Brandon
Caring about close friends How I dont care about anything anymore
Having no worries Failing people
Sneaking out Sleeping
Having a good time Having to do drugs to have it
Raves SV
My friends The drama
Suicide Dreams Waking up from them
Making plans My parents
I ran out of things I love There's plenty I hate
... Being numb 24/7
... Not crying at all
... Feeling alone, even when Im with people
... Expectation
Making lists Myself
Contradictions
1. I dont want to get attached to something I cant have.
A. I want to be serious with you, to know that you care about me as much as I do you. I want to be reassured this isnt just me hooking up with you. I want to know you actually care about me and arent just fucking with me.
B. I dont want us to be anything more than we are now. It would make things so much harder and even MORE dramatic. I want "no strings attached".
C. I dont know how I would react if you hooked up with someone else or liked someone else.
2. I dont want to not take this oppurtunity of us maybe being something more than friends.
A. I cant just leave while me and bobby have this "thing" and go for you. I would end up hurting Bobby(prolly). I dont want to be known as the girl that just goes from one guy to another.
B. This might be a one-time chance. Later down the road we might just always be friends, wondering "what if".
C. We're good friends, I dont even know if you like me in that way. Maybe the decision that we could only be friends happened a while ago and I just missed it. I dont want to make a move on you or something and scare you away. If I cant have you as more than a friend, I want you as the great friend you've been to me.
D. Your perfect to me.
E. You told your friends you were going to "get with me". Im not a piece of meat. I hate emotions(kinda), and I dont want to be known as the slut. If I put myself out there for you, and let my guard down, I expect you to be good to me. Im not ready to be fucked over. That would be just too much.
3. Im ruining you.
A. And I dont even care. All I care about is my wellbeing. You get chapped, I still sneak out and have a good time. I convince you to sneak out, lie, smoke, etc. I used to be deep, we had serious conversations, I confided in you and you did the same with me. Now all I talk about is making plans to get fucked up next. We dont really talk about serious things anymore. I have no emotions to have those kinds of conversations anymore. Im not there anymore and I just left you standing, waiting for the old me to come back.
B. Im not the only one who wants to get fucked up, or to change. You make these plans as much as I do(okay me more so).
C. But your not dead inside, I am.
4. Im dead
A. Im breathing at this moment. Im moving.
B. I feel nothing. I dont even know what Im doing with my life anymore. Im not upset at what Im doing. Im not happy with it either. Im content? Actually Im not sure, because I dont know how to feel.
C. I have a pulse.
D. Everything just phases past me. Nothing touches me anymore. Nothing that happens to me, my close friends, my family, nothing. No emotions leave my brain. No thoughts or feelings that are remotely related to my emotions show through this wall Ive put up.
E. Im still here.
F. Im not alive inside. Im the walking dead.
LOVE HATE
Grits Drug tests
Rolling Coming down
Josh/Bobby Brandon
Caring about close friends How I dont care about anything anymore
Having no worries Failing people
Sneaking out Sleeping
Having a good time Having to do drugs to have it
Raves SV
My friends The drama
Suicide Dreams Waking up from them
Making plans My parents
I ran out of things I love There's plenty I hate
... Being numb 24/7
... Not crying at all
... Feeling alone, even when Im with people
... Expectation
Making lists Myself
Contradictions
1. I dont want to get attached to something I cant have.
A. I want to be serious with you, to know that you care about me as much as I do you. I want to be reassured this isnt just me hooking up with you. I want to know you actually care about me and arent just fucking with me.
B. I dont want us to be anything more than we are now. It would make things so much harder and even MORE dramatic. I want "no strings attached".
C. I dont know how I would react if you hooked up with someone else or liked someone else.
2. I dont want to not take this oppurtunity of us maybe being something more than friends.
A. I cant just leave while me and bobby have this "thing" and go for you. I would end up hurting Bobby(prolly). I dont want to be known as the girl that just goes from one guy to another.
B. This might be a one-time chance. Later down the road we might just always be friends, wondering "what if".
C. We're good friends, I dont even know if you like me in that way. Maybe the decision that we could only be friends happened a while ago and I just missed it. I dont want to make a move on you or something and scare you away. If I cant have you as more than a friend, I want you as the great friend you've been to me.
D. Your perfect to me.
E. You told your friends you were going to "get with me". Im not a piece of meat. I hate emotions(kinda), and I dont want to be known as the slut. If I put myself out there for you, and let my guard down, I expect you to be good to me. Im not ready to be fucked over. That would be just too much.
3. Im ruining you.
A. And I dont even care. All I care about is my wellbeing. You get chapped, I still sneak out and have a good time. I convince you to sneak out, lie, smoke, etc. I used to be deep, we had serious conversations, I confided in you and you did the same with me. Now all I talk about is making plans to get fucked up next. We dont really talk about serious things anymore. I have no emotions to have those kinds of conversations anymore. Im not there anymore and I just left you standing, waiting for the old me to come back.
B. Im not the only one who wants to get fucked up, or to change. You make these plans as much as I do(okay me more so).
C. But your not dead inside, I am.
4. Im dead
A. Im breathing at this moment. Im moving.
B. I feel nothing. I dont even know what Im doing with my life anymore. Im not upset at what Im doing. Im not happy with it either. Im content? Actually Im not sure, because I dont know how to feel.
C. I have a pulse.
D. Everything just phases past me. Nothing touches me anymore. Nothing that happens to me, my close friends, my family, nothing. No emotions leave my brain. No thoughts or feelings that are remotely related to my emotions show through this wall Ive put up.
E. Im still here.
F. Im not alive inside. Im the walking dead.
What I wish I could say to your face.
FUCK YOU!!
your being such a bitch about EVERYTHING. stop talking shit. Stop trying to upset me. You told kristen yourself you know how to push my buttons and sometimes you do it just to fuck with me. Im so fucking over all your bullshit. So fucking over you. Man up, go fuck some girl, get the fuck over me, and leave me the hell alone! Your not in my life anymore so I dont know why you keep trying to make yourself. GOD YOUR IMPOSSIBLE. fuck you fuck you fuck you. your such a fucking lil bitch i cant even believe it. Why didnt I see what a jackass you were when i spent fucking 6 months with you! was i fucking blind? ohsgvuaij
your being such a bitch about EVERYTHING. stop talking shit. Stop trying to upset me. You told kristen yourself you know how to push my buttons and sometimes you do it just to fuck with me. Im so fucking over all your bullshit. So fucking over you. Man up, go fuck some girl, get the fuck over me, and leave me the hell alone! Your not in my life anymore so I dont know why you keep trying to make yourself. GOD YOUR IMPOSSIBLE. fuck you fuck you fuck you. your such a fucking lil bitch i cant even believe it. Why didnt I see what a jackass you were when i spent fucking 6 months with you! was i fucking blind? ohsgvuaij
I kissed Manuel. What the
I kissed Manuel. What the fuck is all i can say. Plus he denied me. Brandon can never EVER know.
My baby is dead. Rave
My baby is dead. Rave this saturday. Sleepover with brandon on sunday night :-)
I just got drug tested
Like 15 min. ago
WTF
Im really really glad I peed in a bottle days ago when I had nothing in my system. I just poured that into the container and added some warm water from the sink and gave it to my rents. I was shaking so hard, even though I knew it was going to work. Still.. most nerve wracking thing ever.
And she ordered nicotine tests finally right while we were waiting for my test results. I'll e clean on nicotine this Friday, but if they come before then, then I'll just use my old piss again.
WTF
Im really really glad I peed in a bottle days ago when I had nothing in my system. I just poured that into the container and added some warm water from the sink and gave it to my rents. I was shaking so hard, even though I knew it was going to work. Still.. most nerve wracking thing ever.
And she ordered nicotine tests finally right while we were waiting for my test results. I'll e clean on nicotine this Friday, but if they come before then, then I'll just use my old piss again.
I know this sounds stupid
But I dont like feeling ignored. Or just the feeling that he's not giving me as much attention that I want. Im so used to being the one who doesnt pay that much attention, or just seeming like I dont care as much. Im used to him giving me more than enough attention, making me his #1 priority. I guess I just wish he would.
Im asking him to be official tomorrow... Im going through alot of trouble to make our plans work out. I just kinda wish he would care more.
Geeze I sound stupid, he loves me, I love him. <33 tomorrow will be a good day
Im asking him to be official tomorrow... Im going through alot of trouble to make our plans work out. I just kinda wish he would care more.
Geeze I sound stupid, he loves me, I love him. <33 tomorrow will be a good day
!@#$%
Sometimes everything is just fine then one thing can just make me into such a pissy bitch. I mean FUCKKKK! So pissed and nothing really happened. My mom just calls and says we need to talk about some thing, I question her on it and she just says Im going back to my same old routines. I mean fucking A, its our first day after Winter Break! and I've been doing everything Im supposed to, so just aghhh.
I dunno.. Really, I think Im just scared to get caught smoking grits again. AGH I dunno. 4 more days and I'll be okay to test again and come out clean. Prolly less than that but I just want to be safe. So no more smoking till Spring Break and Im fine with that. I quit once before I can do it again. Fuck, she just walked in. ahhh God I just want to go out and not come home. But everyone fucking does that, and I know I would get sent away fersure if I did that. And I dont want that. I dont want less freedom then I have now. Even getting caught for smoking again would kill me. Like really kill me. I dunno if I could deal with my mom anymore after that. Having no connection to the outside world is way too hard. I think when I was grounded was when I started drinking more than I ever had before, and cutting whenever I got upset. I would cry so much my eyes would be swollen and sore the next day. I just know I cant go back to that. I really really cant, like I said, it would kill me.
And now I can hear her from the other fucking room. Saying that ever since she's been hearing those murder stories on the news or some shit she's been thinking about what she's doing with her life. And she wants us to have family reading time or something, and not let me go on my computer or phone alot(there will be certain hours for that). I just hate how I have no freedom as a teenager. I mean Im already not aloud to do alot of the things other teens can do, but dont take away my other privledges that other kids are just given automatically. She always talks like she wants to do better for our family, make us better and stonger. But she's the one thats never home, who never spends time with us, whatever fuck it. Im done Im over with it.
fe[pogubivscKWFGBOHDAKNMQWFVE;GOU
I dunno.. Really, I think Im just scared to get caught smoking grits again. AGH I dunno. 4 more days and I'll be okay to test again and come out clean. Prolly less than that but I just want to be safe. So no more smoking till Spring Break and Im fine with that. I quit once before I can do it again. Fuck, she just walked in. ahhh God I just want to go out and not come home. But everyone fucking does that, and I know I would get sent away fersure if I did that. And I dont want that. I dont want less freedom then I have now. Even getting caught for smoking again would kill me. Like really kill me. I dunno if I could deal with my mom anymore after that. Having no connection to the outside world is way too hard. I think when I was grounded was when I started drinking more than I ever had before, and cutting whenever I got upset. I would cry so much my eyes would be swollen and sore the next day. I just know I cant go back to that. I really really cant, like I said, it would kill me.
And now I can hear her from the other fucking room. Saying that ever since she's been hearing those murder stories on the news or some shit she's been thinking about what she's doing with her life. And she wants us to have family reading time or something, and not let me go on my computer or phone alot(there will be certain hours for that). I just hate how I have no freedom as a teenager. I mean Im already not aloud to do alot of the things other teens can do, but dont take away my other privledges that other kids are just given automatically. She always talks like she wants to do better for our family, make us better and stonger. But she's the one thats never home, who never spends time with us, whatever fuck it. Im done Im over with it.
fe[pogubivscKWFGBOHDAKNMQWFVE;GOU
Kinda Scared
To let him go. Im really the only thing thats stable and safe in his life. Like yesterday I told him I wanted to go downtown but he couldnt cuz he didnt have enough for a bus. And he got all upset and moody about it, like he usually does, and told me I was his only plans for the entire day. Im the only thing! I look at his calendar on myspace and Im the only events on there. I cant leave him, not to sound vain but he kinda needs me. Fuck I got myself into a situation that I need help getting out of.
FML
Agh! So fucking over so many things. I really just want to leave. I want to drop all thats going on in my life, I just want to take a break and walk away just for a bit. I don't want to have to deal with the whole Winter Formal plans anymore, too many people are counting on me for too much. I hate making plans just because whenever I have them I usually have to bail. I want to bail on Brandon for a bit too. We see eachother close to every day now, and alot of that is my choice. And I know im choosing for things to be this way. But the more and more Im with him I wish I could just walk away. I want something new, some one new. I think Im getting over him but he's still waiting for us to be official again. And I cant say anything that will make him think otherwise or else he gets all... like he is. I want him in my life, just in another way than he is now. But with him its either, we're together as a couple and best friends, or he will never talk to me again. I've been thinking about this for days now. I dont love him but I cant say that to him. I have to be as much of a girlfriend as I can be to him or else he goes all @^%# on me. Im still scared of being alone though. I know I sound like a bitch probably, just like Im keeping him around just because I dont want to be alone. I mean he's a perfect best friend and I still have an attraction to him but I really just feel like things would be better off with someone else. I mean it started out so perfect but then all the drama with my parents happened and I know they dont want us together, and I know they're all just being nice to him and stuff because he's with me. But he confuses this with "wow they really like me :]]] awuh so perfect! Now we can be together forever!!" Sometimes he's just way too clingy for me. I mean sometimes I like to be too, but not all the time. But I really cant deal with not telling him certain things just because I know the way he'll react will be bad. Not to mention the guilt after and how he talks to everyone, so I've be harassed by everyone! I just feel like I shouldnt be stuck in this relationship because of fear of hurting him. I love him, I do. Im just not "in love" with him. Maybe over time i'll work up the courage to tell him all this. But until then... fml.
Winter Formal
Its coming up so soon and I cant decided even if im going to go to it or not. Brandon really wants to go, and so does Celeste and Im taking both of them. Bu 3upfront is having a show that night and both me and Brandon were invited to the before party at Josh's house and the after party at Ron's house, where we're allowed to spend the night. I dont even dance or anything so the 3upfront is sounding alot more appealing than Winter Formal. But we've all been planning to go to winter formal for dayss now. I dunno, I think Im just going to try to go to the show. There's a winter formal every year, so its chill. Im just not sure how Im going to break it to Celeste or Brandon. I think Celeste will be more #%^$ about it than him just cuz Brandon will still be spending the night with me that night, oh shit I was supposed to have a sleepover with Celeste that night too. Agh I hate canceling plans on people last minute but I guess we'll just see how this goes. Fingers Crossed.
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