Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind.

You don't need to respond to this. I just need to say this to ease my mind:

I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I made you feel the way you felt. Sometimes I don't know the power of my words and I use them incorrectly. I'm sorry I'm clingy and I felt the way I felt, mainly because when I noticed something was off it was that you weren't paying the same amount of attention to me that you normally would. I'm not asking for more attention, you treat me perfectly and I couldn't ask for anyone better than you. I overreacted and made things sounds worse then they actually were. I love you, my love for you has never stopped, just kept growing. I've never felt like I was losing you or that we were coming close to our "end". I felt like something was off, which I understand now, but I let it get to my head and that's when I made things worse. I never want to hurt you, you've been hurt before and I never wanted to be the person that would do that to you again. I care deeply for you and your wellbeing, you're happiness means the world to me. I can't even express what an important role you play in my life, I can't see us ending soon and I don't plan on it. If any bump in the relationship comes our way, which they will, I want to work through them like we always have(minus how I acted last time). I'm glad we can talk things out and go back to normal, that's what relationships are all about; working together. I don't want to lose you, and I don't feel as if I am, so basically I'm just letting you know this so I can get if off my chest and be content just knowing that I've said this to you. I love you so much, and I couldn't be happier that you chose to be with me<3

I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my peace of mind.

Tick Tock Goes the Dynamite.

"Why don't we get out the ruler and start dividing everything up now?"

I'm losing hope that there will ever be peace among us again, not that there was much to begin with. Everything is a battle now, no conversation can be had without bringing up old or new drama. All of our lives are revolving around this Degrassi episode. I've never felt so much resentment in this household(s) as I do now. I feel more out of place and uncomfortable with my family theb I ever have before. It's unbearable to think about, better to keep yourself busy and forget what's all going on around you. A family is supposed to be a unit that sticks by eachothers sides till the end. I don't even get what you're trying to salvage, there's nothing fucking left anymore.

Father, where art thou?

Lost in your own world, not letting anyone in, not letting anyone go. Right now youre watching videos of your eldest daughters wedding, alone, and stoned. Is that all you have left to hold onto? Most likely the happiest day of your life. Two days later you would find out that your wife left you. Your world is shattered, I'm not sure what to do, as do you. We're both lost and can't seem to find eachother.

This house is not a home.

Correction: THESE houses are not home.

Home is supposed to be a place you feel safe. A place where you always return, and look to returning to. A place to lie your head. This is not that type of place.

I try to keep busy, dreading when the time comes when I do have to return. I use other homes as my own, feeling more welcome and at ease at.

I don't feel safe here. I don't feel comfortable here. I don't feel welcome here. I don't want to be here.

Burning away.

It's strange how everything has an opposite effect. The thing that brings you the most joy can also be the thing the most pain. The person who built you up strong can also be the person to tear you down. Love turns to hate.

The ocean is one of the most amazing creations, beautiful yet powerful and able to destruct anything in its path. Memories are the most destructing though, with the ability to raise your spirits and get you through the day, or break you down until there's nothing left to salvage.

But those close to you are what can save your life or end it in a heartbeat. I know, I have nothing left.

The pot of emotions is once again stirred.

Old feelings resurface, they're unwanted and/or unneeded. I know it'll never happen, I'm not even positive I would let it happen if the oppurtunity came around. I thought I burried my feelings for you long ago, so I don't understand how they can be coming back right now. Floods of memories from the good times. You still know me, you got me that William Control poster when I didn't even think you remembered. Even if this is an innocent act of kindness exchanged between two friends, it means a lot to me. Not many people have gotten to know me like you did, and I stopped letting people in right after you. It's hard, you were my first true love(from the eyes of a teenage girl) and that will never change. Fuck.

Oh lord.

How everything has changed so fast. I now have two homes, more freedom then I can handle, a new found depression, and a boy I can honestly say I love. I guess these past weeks have had their ups and downs.
+ Can have sleepovers with Gabe either at his house or mine.
- Maybe spending a little too much time together, fights are getting worse and over stupider things.
+ Have two houses, one right on the beach and both that I can smoke at.
- Have to keep moving all my stuff around, Mom won't drive to dads house and Dad just doesn't leave his.
With all these positive things, there's always a negative side. I still feel stuck in the middle of my parents, being forced to chose a side. So when I do decide to live with my mom part time, I'm the bad guy because everyone else was already on Dad's side. They tell me that they'll support any decision I make, but try to sway me to their side. It's rediculous, our family is at war with one another and there isn't going to be a winner. It's a bloody battle that everyone loses.