I do the things I do.
I'll lurk you and talk to you even though I know Im just going to end up getting upset.
I've given up on any thoughts of us being chill in the future. You have a new girl in your life and yet we still can not be friends. It makes me wonder how things would be if me and Bobby ended things... would you be my friend or would I get the same treatement? Bobbys important to me and I wouldnt want to lose him and for things to still be shitty between us. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to say. I dont even know why Im typing this all out. I think I might be bi polar. Im so happy one minute, then I get to thinking and Im like how I am now, my mind's fucked.
Maybe I should call... im not sure yet.
Collective Thoughts
I am a train wreak. My life is a lie. Im not real.
LOVE HATE
Grits Drug tests
Rolling Coming down
Josh/Bobby Brandon
Caring about close friends How I dont care about anything anymore
Having no worries Failing people
Sneaking out Sleeping
Having a good time Having to do drugs to have it
Raves SV
My friends The drama
Suicide Dreams Waking up from them
Making plans My parents
I ran out of things I love There's plenty I hate
... Being numb 24/7
... Not crying at all
... Feeling alone, even when Im with people
... Expectation
Making lists Myself
Contradictions
1. I dont want to get attached to something I cant have.
A. I want to be serious with you, to know that you care about me as much as I do you. I want to be reassured this isnt just me hooking up with you. I want to know you actually care about me and arent just fucking with me.
B. I dont want us to be anything more than we are now. It would make things so much harder and even MORE dramatic. I want "no strings attached".
C. I dont know how I would react if you hooked up with someone else or liked someone else.
2. I dont want to not take this oppurtunity of us maybe being something more than friends.
A. I cant just leave while me and bobby have this "thing" and go for you. I would end up hurting Bobby(prolly). I dont want to be known as the girl that just goes from one guy to another.
B. This might be a one-time chance. Later down the road we might just always be friends, wondering "what if".
C. We're good friends, I dont even know if you like me in that way. Maybe the decision that we could only be friends happened a while ago and I just missed it. I dont want to make a move on you or something and scare you away. If I cant have you as more than a friend, I want you as the great friend you've been to me.
D. Your perfect to me.
E. You told your friends you were going to "get with me". Im not a piece of meat. I hate emotions(kinda), and I dont want to be known as the slut. If I put myself out there for you, and let my guard down, I expect you to be good to me. Im not ready to be fucked over. That would be just too much.
3. Im ruining you.
A. And I dont even care. All I care about is my wellbeing. You get chapped, I still sneak out and have a good time. I convince you to sneak out, lie, smoke, etc. I used to be deep, we had serious conversations, I confided in you and you did the same with me. Now all I talk about is making plans to get fucked up next. We dont really talk about serious things anymore. I have no emotions to have those kinds of conversations anymore. Im not there anymore and I just left you standing, waiting for the old me to come back.
B. Im not the only one who wants to get fucked up, or to change. You make these plans as much as I do(okay me more so).
C. But your not dead inside, I am.
4. Im dead
A. Im breathing at this moment. Im moving.
B. I feel nothing. I dont even know what Im doing with my life anymore. Im not upset at what Im doing. Im not happy with it either. Im content? Actually Im not sure, because I dont know how to feel.
C. I have a pulse.
D. Everything just phases past me. Nothing touches me anymore. Nothing that happens to me, my close friends, my family, nothing. No emotions leave my brain. No thoughts or feelings that are remotely related to my emotions show through this wall Ive put up.
E. Im still here.
F. Im not alive inside. Im the walking dead.
LOVE HATE
Grits Drug tests
Rolling Coming down
Josh/Bobby Brandon
Caring about close friends How I dont care about anything anymore
Having no worries Failing people
Sneaking out Sleeping
Having a good time Having to do drugs to have it
Raves SV
My friends The drama
Suicide Dreams Waking up from them
Making plans My parents
I ran out of things I love There's plenty I hate
... Being numb 24/7
... Not crying at all
... Feeling alone, even when Im with people
... Expectation
Making lists Myself
Contradictions
1. I dont want to get attached to something I cant have.
A. I want to be serious with you, to know that you care about me as much as I do you. I want to be reassured this isnt just me hooking up with you. I want to know you actually care about me and arent just fucking with me.
B. I dont want us to be anything more than we are now. It would make things so much harder and even MORE dramatic. I want "no strings attached".
C. I dont know how I would react if you hooked up with someone else or liked someone else.
2. I dont want to not take this oppurtunity of us maybe being something more than friends.
A. I cant just leave while me and bobby have this "thing" and go for you. I would end up hurting Bobby(prolly). I dont want to be known as the girl that just goes from one guy to another.
B. This might be a one-time chance. Later down the road we might just always be friends, wondering "what if".
C. We're good friends, I dont even know if you like me in that way. Maybe the decision that we could only be friends happened a while ago and I just missed it. I dont want to make a move on you or something and scare you away. If I cant have you as more than a friend, I want you as the great friend you've been to me.
D. Your perfect to me.
E. You told your friends you were going to "get with me". Im not a piece of meat. I hate emotions(kinda), and I dont want to be known as the slut. If I put myself out there for you, and let my guard down, I expect you to be good to me. Im not ready to be fucked over. That would be just too much.
3. Im ruining you.
A. And I dont even care. All I care about is my wellbeing. You get chapped, I still sneak out and have a good time. I convince you to sneak out, lie, smoke, etc. I used to be deep, we had serious conversations, I confided in you and you did the same with me. Now all I talk about is making plans to get fucked up next. We dont really talk about serious things anymore. I have no emotions to have those kinds of conversations anymore. Im not there anymore and I just left you standing, waiting for the old me to come back.
B. Im not the only one who wants to get fucked up, or to change. You make these plans as much as I do(okay me more so).
C. But your not dead inside, I am.
4. Im dead
A. Im breathing at this moment. Im moving.
B. I feel nothing. I dont even know what Im doing with my life anymore. Im not upset at what Im doing. Im not happy with it either. Im content? Actually Im not sure, because I dont know how to feel.
C. I have a pulse.
D. Everything just phases past me. Nothing touches me anymore. Nothing that happens to me, my close friends, my family, nothing. No emotions leave my brain. No thoughts or feelings that are remotely related to my emotions show through this wall Ive put up.
E. Im still here.
F. Im not alive inside. Im the walking dead.
What I wish I could say to your face.
FUCK YOU!!
your being such a bitch about EVERYTHING. stop talking shit. Stop trying to upset me. You told kristen yourself you know how to push my buttons and sometimes you do it just to fuck with me. Im so fucking over all your bullshit. So fucking over you. Man up, go fuck some girl, get the fuck over me, and leave me the hell alone! Your not in my life anymore so I dont know why you keep trying to make yourself. GOD YOUR IMPOSSIBLE. fuck you fuck you fuck you. your such a fucking lil bitch i cant even believe it. Why didnt I see what a jackass you were when i spent fucking 6 months with you! was i fucking blind? ohsgvuaij
your being such a bitch about EVERYTHING. stop talking shit. Stop trying to upset me. You told kristen yourself you know how to push my buttons and sometimes you do it just to fuck with me. Im so fucking over all your bullshit. So fucking over you. Man up, go fuck some girl, get the fuck over me, and leave me the hell alone! Your not in my life anymore so I dont know why you keep trying to make yourself. GOD YOUR IMPOSSIBLE. fuck you fuck you fuck you. your such a fucking lil bitch i cant even believe it. Why didnt I see what a jackass you were when i spent fucking 6 months with you! was i fucking blind? ohsgvuaij
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